The fact that we will have problems in life — it is natural; but it is equally natural that we are all able to solve them.
All my experience and observing thousands of other people that I have encountered in my life, allowed me to come to the conclusion that we will have problems in life — it is natural; but it is equally natural that we are all able to solve them.
The right to defend their opinion is the basis for healthy personality manifestation in all human relationships.
The first step of gaining confidence in yourself is the realization that no one will be able to manage your emotions unless you let it.
The Right First. You have the right to judge own behavior, thoughts, emotions and to take responsibility for their consequences.
Trade-offs should not necessarily be fair to be useful! All that is required of them is that they worked! Where did you read about what life was fair? Where did you get this crazy idea?
One day in our classes, developing self-confidence, I asked the group: "Who of you really believes that we must act according to the generally accepted rules?" Only 3 of the 85 raised their hands. But my question is: "which one of you behaves as if believe that? "the whole class raised their hands."
The right to be the ultimate judge himself — the basic inalienable right, which will not allow anyone to manipulate you. This is the right from which flow all your other inalienable rights.When you become a judge yourself, you learn to find your own ways to independently assess their behavior. The rating system that you develop on your own experience (trial and error), less like a right or wrong, but rather recalls: "it works for me, then no." Your independent judgment to form a free "I love — like", "I don't like — I don't like", not "should I — I don't," "You should — you should not". The conclusions to which we come, thinking about their behavior, do not make sense for someone else. However, they are judgments that fit us and our lifestyle.
We have to rely on your own judgment, because whether we like to admit it or not, the truth is that we are responsible for ourselves.
You can't take responsibility for the happiness of someone else, but also don't automatically shift responsibility for your happiness on the other. You can't absolve themselves of responsibility for their way of life through explanation, which implies that you were forced to do anyway. It's your life, and what happens in it concerns only you, nobody else. A lot of people deny that they judge their behavior. Refusing to take responsibility for it, they tend to make excuses, to apologize. Examples of such denial of responsibility is usually paraphrase the classic excuse of the Nazi criminals at Nuremberg: "I was only following orders."
Is absolutely "right" or "wrong" behavior from the point of view of morality is not. There is not even any true ways of behavior. There are only paths (behaviors) that chooses each of us. And these ways enrich or pollute our lives. For example, confident people trapped in the Sierra probably would not go either one way of the other, and would find your using available information on: the movement of the sun, stars, landmarks that he remembered
The right Second, You have the right not to justify and not apologize for his behavior.
If you are a confident person, you don't need to explain his behavior to others, so they decided: if it is wrong, whether correctly or incorrectly, etc. of Course, people always have the right to tell you that they don't like what you are doing. You, in turn, have the right to ignore their comments, or to find a compromise, or sparing their feelings, respect their wishes and change their behavior. Dependence on other people's opinions is based on a children's show, which is: you have to explain your behavior to other people because you have a responsibility to them for their actions. You have to justify your actions in front of them.
If the customer itself decides to answer or not to answer the question "why", she can just state the fact "I just don't like those sandals".
People I was taught to be confident, constantly asking, "How can I refuse to explain the other if he asks?" My answer consisted in a series of provocative questions: "why your friend requires that you explain their behavior?
The right Third, You have the right to decide whether you need to take responsibility for other people's problems (whether you care about other people's problems).
Each of us is fully responsible for their well-being, happiness and success in life. No matter how much we wished well to each other, we have no way to create well-being or happiness of someone else.
You may from time to time to do pleasant to someone, to fulfill his wishes, but the man himself must feel the weight, the sweat, the pain and the fear of defeat and so build your life to be healthy and happy. Each of us must decide for himself their problems and learn to cope with them. This is reflected in one of the first principles of modern psychotherapy. The people involved in this medical art, I know that the very "treatment" does not solve the problems of the patient, but helps him to achieve the state to resolve them.
the Right Fourth, You have the right to change your mind, change your mind.
We are all human, and we tend to change. We think, choose what's best; our interests over time and depending on conditions changing. Obviously, our choice in one situation works for us, another against us. In order not to lose common sense and to successfully achieve their well-being and happiness, we must admit that the change of opinion is a normal and healthy reaction.
The right Fifth: You have the right to make mistakes and take responsibility for them.
"Let he who is without sin, first cast a stone at her". — it contains the observation that we're all imperfect. To err is part of human existence. Our inalienable right to make mistakes and take responsibility for them just describes the reality of human life. We must admit that mistakes are just mistakes and nothing more. Otherwise, we may become subject to manipulation. We are easy to manipulate in that case, if we believe that mistakes are "evil" and we "should not" to make them; and if you have made a mistake, you have to fix it the "right" behavior.
The right Sixth: You have the right to say: "I don't know"
Yet another one of your legal right to make a decision, even if you don't know everything that will follow. You have the right to say: "do not know" — if you don't know the answer to the question.
Manipulation based on inculcated in childhood the belief that you must know the answers to any possible questions may be very delicate. It is usually possible to learn on such questions as "What would happen if… ? How do you think… ? How would you feel if… ?" Dealing with such manipulation, you don't need to know what "could happen if…" One cannot know everything and any consequences of their own behavior. Therefore, if the manipulator need to speculate on what would happen if… let him do it, if he's so eager. You does not confuse you.
The Seventh right: You have the right to depend on how you relate to others.
What would you or I do, there will always be someone who will not like it, and someone may be offended in their feelings.
People with whom we communicate in business or with authority, can change their attitude to us all the time, but this does not prevent us to work with them, even if they don't like.
My students often argued against this view, saying that they do not want your perseverance to create discomfort to the waiter or seller . "It seems that the seller donated to charity all his earnings when he sold you this bike, which of the ten items has four. Is that so?" "Correct me if I'm wrong, but it seems to me that in this situation a waiter or you have to be uncomfortable. Who would you prefer — yours or his?"
Sometimes you want to tell people, "You will never love if you don't risk to be hated."
"You need to know: it is not necessary that those with whom you communicate with, was fascinated by your behavior. You should not worry due to the fact that maybe someone does not like.
You'd feel very comfortable if like confident man, said simply and clearly: "No, I don't want to do that this weekend. Maybe another time? "Instead, you invent a "good" excuse to those who invites you, not angry, not upset and, God forbid, has not fallen out of love with you.
You can't live in constant fear of that hurt other people's feelings. All we sometimes hurt each other. This is the life!
The right Eighth: You have the right to be illogical in making decisions.
If I were asked to explain to the child what the word "logic", I would not be very far from the truth, saying to him: "Logic is what you use other people to prove you wrong".
The right of the Ninth: You have the right to say: "I don't understand."
Sokrat said: true wisdom comes to each of us when we realize how little we understand about life, ourselves, the world around us. His observation aptly describes one side of human existence. We are all so resourceful and receptive to completely understand at least most of what is happening around them. And yet the limitations of human abilities does not prevent us to live. Knowledge comes from experience, and our experience with other people shows that we don't always understand intentions and desires of other people.
"Victims" do not show verbal determination to achieve at least part of what they want through compromise, and judge you for that:
1) from you "evil";
2) you need to understand intuitively that they don't like your behavior;
3) you should automatically understand that your behaviour does not suit them;
4) you have to change your attitude to them, so they don't feel "hurt" and "angry". If you allow another person to take your decision then you should automatically understand that it irritates him. Most likely, you will have for his convenience to change their behaviour and do everything to get rid of their "offended" and "angry" feelings towards you.
The Tenth right: You have the right to say: "I do not care…", "I don't care…", "I'm not interested in…"
This belief sounds like this: because you are a human, you are insignificant and you have a lot of vices. You. should try to overcome their human weakness, and by all means "improve" yourself until you reach perfection in everything. You are unlikely to succeed, but you still have to want to improve. If someone will show you how you can improve yourself, you must follow his instruction. If you do not, you are a spoiled, lazy, immature and worthless, because you don't deserve somebody's respect, including his own.
This view, in my opinion, infinitely naive. However, you have the right to assume that you do not care about what you have to be perfect, especially because some consider the perfection that others — a perversion.
If, however, you are free to decide whether or not you want to "improve", then, most likely, will answer: "I understand that you should be careful, but sometimes I don't care. I know that you should be careful, but sometimes I don't care. I know it upsets you, but let's try to find a compromise. If you try not to "crush" on me when I do something you don't like it, I'll try not to disappoint you when you their claims upset me! Just tell me what annoys you, I also, in turn, to be honest. No walking around the Bush. Only a direct and Frank conversation".I asked them their internal contradiction expressed in any of the three categories: "I want" "I need", "I should".
The first category I — direct, i.e. I want three times a week to eat lunch meat; I want to go to a movie instead of watch TV; I want to spend the rest of my days on the coast of Tahiti. Of these desires is naturally followed by "I have". "I have to" — compromises that you go with yourself and other people. If I want three times in a week to eat meat, I have to get the money to afford it. If you want to get the money (and also not to go to jail), I have to work where the pay is enough that I could afford to eat meat three times a week. If I want to go to the cinema tonight, I will have to miss a TV program. If I want spend rest of his life in Tahiti, I'll have to get used to the "tropical" lifestyle.
All the consequences of what you have to do what you want — pretty simple. It is only necessary to decide whether the cost of your "I want" follow-up "I have".
The first step in the education of self-confidence — persistence
When I enter in the classroom the first skill — the method Broken record, I begin by asking students: "Why do you usually lose in a dispute with an auto mechanic — Because usually give up after the first "no". He tells you "no" you respond "Oh’K" or muttering curses under his breath, leave. You lost because you gave up too easily. The guy (like many others) only a few "no's" in stock. If he has three "no", you only need four. If he has six-no, you only need seven. It's simple!"
You need to learn how to aggressively defend himself. To confidently Express themselves, understand one of the most important points: persistently repeat what you want over and over again, not raising his voice, without anger and irritation.
So, in order to communicate effectively in a conflict situation, you have to be persistent and to stick to their line. Indecisive people can get caught up in the abundance of words and easy to give up, when they are all "logically" explain and give the "arguments" of why what they want isn't possible. To be persistent, timid people have to learn not to give explanation or apology about his position; he should ignore the comments of the opponent, provoking a sense of guilt. For this purpose method, called the Broken record. Its repeating, like a broken record, we learn to stick to its line in the conversation: we repeat what we want to say, and ignore what comes from a man, in a confrontation with which we defend their desire.
When you are in the training period using this method, you do not take into account the objections of an opponent; you are steadily calmly talk about what you would like, as long as your request is not satisfied, or you don't agree to a compromise. The purpose of this training is not to teach you how to say the same, like a broken record, but to teach you perseverance
Carlo enters the store with his father and turns to the cashier.
Carlo: I've been here an hour earlier and bought three pork chops, roast beef, two chicken and other foods. When I got home, I found no meat. I need my meat.
Cashier: have You checked in your car?
Carlo: Yes, I need my meat (Broken record).
The cashier: I don't think I can be of some help. (Disclaimer.)
Carlo: I understand that you can think about it, but I need my meat (Broken record).
Cashier: do you Have a receipt?
Carlo, handing the check to the cashier: Yeah, and I need my meat (Broken record).
The cashier, considering bill: you Have been here for six meat products.
Carlo: Absolutely, and I need meat (Broken record).
Cashier: Okay, but I can't do anything you need in the meat Department. (Disclaimer.)
Carlo: I understand you perfectly, but you are the one to whom I paid the money, and I still need my meat (Broken record).
Cashier: You need to contact the head of the meat Department. (Disclaimer.)
Carlo: He'll give me my meat? (Broken record).
The cashier: He's the one who can help you. (Disclaimer.)
Carlo: what's his name?
Cashier: Mr. Johnson.
Carlo: Call him here, please.
Cashier: Go there and you will find it. (Disclaimer.)
Carlo: I don't even see. Please call him here (Broken record).
Cashier: yeah, he'll be right here, (disclaimer.)
Carlo: I don't want to go there and wait forever. I can't wait to get out of here. Please call him here (Broken record).
Cashier: You're holding up all these people want to be served. (Trying to arouse in you feelings of guilt: don't you care about other people?)
Carlo: I know they want to be served, but I want to be served. Please call the head of the meat Department here (Broken record).
The cashier looks on with curiosity Carlo for a few seconds, goes to the girl in the next office, talks to her and comes back to Carlo: "He will be here in a minute"
After a few minutes the head of the meat Department Mr. Johnson goes up to the counter and patting the shoulder of the cashier.
Cashier: This customer is lost they bought us meat.
Johnson to Carlo: Where did you lose it?
Carlo: Here, I have carried him from here, and I need my meat (Broken record).
Johnson: do you Have a receipt?
Carlo, handing him the check: Yes, and I need my meat (Broken record).
Johnson, looking at the check: six purchases from the meat Department.
Carlo: that's Right, three chops, roast beef and two chicken, I need my meat (Broken record).
Johnson: You looked in the car, dropped out of bags? (Trying to arouse in you feelings of ignorance and guilt: you have to control, you can't be trusted.)
Carlo: Yes, it's not there, I need my meat (Broken record).
Johnson: Maybe you left it somewhere? (Attempt to invoke a sense of guilt in you: you are not paying attention.)
Carlo: Yes, here, and I need my meat (Broken record).
Johnson: I mean somewhere in other place.
Carlo: No, and I need my meat (Broken record).
Johnson: the Majority of those who said that they lost purchase, later remembered that he had left them somewhere else. Why don't you come tomorrow if you will not find them? (Trying to induce in you a sense of ignorance and guilt: you have a bad memory and you'd be wrong!)
Carlo: I understand why you think so, but I need my meat (Broken record).
Johnson: Getting late, we're closing soon. (Trying to make you feel guilty: you are holding me.)
Carlo: I understand everything, but I need my meat (Broken record).
Johnson: Well, but I still can not do anything for you to do. (Disclaimer.)
Carlo: who can?
Johnson: store Manager.
Carlo: Good! Get it here (Broken record).
Johnson: He's busy. Perhaps you can come back Monday and talk to him? (Trying to excite you the feeling of guilt: he is a very busy, important person and you don't have to bother him for such trifles.)
Carlo: I understand you, I am also very busy right now. Get it here (Broken record).
Johnson for the first time for a few seconds stares at Carlo: I'll go talk to him, maybe something will be done.
Carlo: Okay. I'll wait for you here.
Mr Johnson returned to the store, disappears in the door and later appears in the window of the control service. He begins a conversation with a man sitting at the table. The man says something. Johnson shakes his head towards Carlo. The man gets up and looks at Carlo, again says something and goes back to her Desk. Mr. Johnson disappears from the window and a second later goes to Carlo.
Carlo: Well what?
Johnson: We are very sorry that it happened. You can go to the meat Department and find my missing item.
Carlo: Okay, thank you.
Johnson: next week we have a sale in the meat Department. Will be something good.
Carlo: I'll tell my wife, thanks.
When they went to the meat Department, father Carlo in amazement saying, "If I were in your shoes, I would look for is meat in my pockets, under the seat of the car, at home, in the bathroom and in the attic!"
In the case of the Sparkle album you would say the repetition of the same: "I will not surrender. I can do this all day if required." As you will see in the subsequent dialogs, if you are assertive and repeat your wish again and again, you will sooner or later reach a result (or get what they want, or agree to a reasonable compromise and remain very pleased with himself).
Carlo and the others can get rid of the habit have to answer any question and to respond to any appeal to him. This habit is based on our confidence that, if someone with us started talking, we must respond and must respond to everything we say.
Many of those who learn to be persistent, often ask: "What do I do if the other does not give in, if he's too persistent?" The answer is. Most importantly — self-esteem above all else. Therefore, if you retain self-esteem and confidence through the use of such skills, like a Broken record, you'll feel good, even if not immediately reach your goal. When we feel comfortable, our ability to cope with the conflict is growing like a snowball. But this does not preclude the need to take care to maintain your confidence.
If two people involved in the conflict, persistent, all depends not on who is stronger or who is the best manipulator. In practice, the solution to this situation is the following: if nothing threatens your sense of self-esteem, it is necessary to offer a reasonable compromise. For example you can say that will wait a while until you repair or replace your purchased item, or that will do what you want next time. If the concessions are to lower your self esteem, you can always expect to achieve its goal.
From the practice of a therapist, I know that as soon as people acquire the ability confidently to Express themselves, they begin to feel good about themselves in society.
A large part of free information about ourselves is linked with our interests, desires, prejudices, with what makes us happy, what worries — with our lifestyle. If in the process of communicating with someone you say more than just "Yes" and "no", then regardless of the content of your statements, they will be the information that is important to you in this moment of life. But you should also be able to hear and what others say about themselves. Free information others give about yourself (which you didn't ask) helps your communication twice: first of all, gives you the opportunity to talk about something else besides the weather and to avoid a painful silence. In addition, more importantly, exchanging free information, you choose topics of interest to each other.
If you do not respond to free information of another of his self-disclosure, communication becomes limited, and you turn into the interrogator, or attorney, or just sticking your nose in other people's business.
When you are introduced to someone, you can ask, for example: "do You live around here, Mary?" If Mary would answer "No", it gives zero information about yourself. But if she says, "No, I live in Santa Monica, almost next to the beach", it gives you double the information that you are asked. First: she lives in Santa Monica, second, in all likelihood, she loves going to the beach and goes there often. In the exchange of free information you could find out that she is married, has three children and two dogs. So you've got free information. Now what to do with it? How to use it to, on the one hand, it is better to know this woman, and allow her to learn more about you? In this case, you can just ask her what Website-Monica. This clearly will encourage her to tell a lot about Santa Monica, but probably very little about her. To facilitate dialogue, you can ask Mary what she thinks about Santa Monica. For example, you can start with the question of self-disclosure: "I've never been to Santa Monica, but my friends told me that this place is perfect. Why are you settled there? "Such use of free information is already more focused on Mary than on Santa Monica.
on the other hand, one might wonder why Mary became interested in ceramics, typing, surfing.
To fulfill our "half" of communication, it is necessary to give information about yourself. We have a choice: whether to speak about a subject that interests the other, or to start a conversation about your feelings on this subject. Self-disclosure can be very simple: "I actually know a bit about ceramics. Can you explain what made you do it?", or "I'm never with anyone not talking about ceramics. What is this?", or "I'm never with anyone not talking about ceramics. I couldn't find time to do so many interesting things. How do you do it?" When your response to public information of the other sounds something revealing you, you give the other the opportunity to appeal to your interests, lifestyle and even your problems.
In my practice I am often faced with the statement: "I think that relations between people it is impossible to create artificially. This gift is either there or not. To teach someone to speak with others — it's a fake!" I usually avoid a long discussion on this topic and cite a simple example. The elderly woman who watched on television as Neil Armstrong did step on the moon (one giant step for mankind!), asked if she would like one myself to be on the moon. She said, "If God had wanted us to go to the moon, he gave us TV so we can watch her here!"
- We can agree with any truth, referred to the other during the critics (Agreement with truth). For example, if a particularly caring mother continues to control his daughter even when she no longer lives at home, the daughter can reply to her mother's criticism of the Game in the fog; so made one of my girls, Sally.
Mother: You again came late, Sally. I called you up half the first night.
Sally: It's true, mother. I again got back late last night.
- We can accept the possible truth in the criticism of others (Acceptance of strange). In the case of Sally and her mom:
Mother: Sally, if you keep coming late, you may get sick again.
Sally: Maybe you're right, mom (or "Probably true" or "I agree with you, mother, if I will not be late so often, I'll be able to sleep more").
- You may agree with the General truth in logical statements, using which you manipulate (Consent in principle). In the case of Sally:
Mother: Sally, you know how important it is for the girl who wants to meet a good man and get married to look good. If you're so often linger and the result is enough sleep, you're not going to look good. You don't want that to happen?
Sally: You're right, mom. What you say makes sense, but when I need to, I come early enough.
In this example, the version of the Game in the fog for his daughter may be next. Every time the daughter adds a remark about his intention to be independent from the mother: "…but I wouldn't wait so long and wouldn't worry if I were in your place," or "…but I don't care" or "…but I'm going to come back later — I have a date".
When the student repeats "Maybe you're right", he usually accompanies his answer if not a mocking smile, at least a sly gleam in his eyes.
What a paradox! To have fun while you criticize! To learn this method is usually very easy.
First of all, it teaches the student to listen carefully to what the critic says. If a critic says, for example: "You look like…", the student replies, "You're right, I like…" If he said, "I think…", the student replied: "I understand why you think so…" the Novice learns to respond only to what he really said, and not to the hints that lie under criticism. This teaches the beginner to be a good listener: hear what he is told, not read minds and do not interpret what he said, not to doubt myself. In addition, this skill helps the beginner to think in terms of probabilities, not Absolutes such as Yes—no, black-6елое, 100 percent zero. Of course, student have little to do, but nonetheless doing its job. Probably, it is not perfectly clean hair: it is not entered directly from the shower Every criticism contains at least a drop of truth.
The student asked: "How can I accept the truth? Working with such students, I usually say something like: "What would you do if someone told you that you are hanging three feet from the ground?" Standing firmly on the ground and having that physical proof before your eyes, you most likely would not have anything to answer, only laughed. But how about what you have no accurate, absolute, guaranteed proof? For example, if someone tells you that you are stupid, what do you say? You are not stupid, right? (Students always shake my head.) Well, congratulations! You're lucky you're talking to me, I am very stupid. Sometimes I do very stupid things. Sometimes I'm very smart, but most of the time I'm silly. Stupid compared to whom? In comparison with Einstein and I'm a village idiot. On the other hand, in comparison with many people I'm a genius. So when I say I'm stupid, I can readily agree with that. You may be right, in comparison with many people, I really stupid, and in comparison with myself, I sometimes just stupid. So I listen to what people say about me, and the doubts leave them. They may be right, but I still make my own decision about it and do what I decided".
Then how to confidently cope with your mistakes? To start the most simple: you start acting like (it really is, no more and no less) error is the only error, ie you strongly acknowledge something negative in itself. Verbal skill is necessary for this purpose, I have called a Negative statement. For example, criticize you, and perhaps hostile, for the mistake you made. In response, you can accept the fact of committing an error. Let's say you agreed to write the floppy disk on your Desk to a colleague could use it on weekends. Monday morning he comes up to you and asked where the disk was on Saturday. You remembered that you forgot to leave it. What can you say? Recognizing his mistake, you could reply "Oh my God! I forgot to leave on the table! What idiocy on my part! Must I not all in the head! What are you going to do now?" Depending on how your colleague will react to your repentance, you can repeat this for as long as he does not understand that it makes no sense to criticize you for your mistake, because it will not turn the clock back and you can't put the floppy at the right time in the right place.
A negative statement can be used in a situation when you were criticized for the fact that you are just beginning to learn (a new >
As you it may seem paradoxical at first sight, but those who are not able to handle criticism, unable to cope with compliments. If we are overwhelmed by Criticism, it seems to us that we should take all the compliments as a relief. Unfortunately, for most people it is not. When we are praised, we mumble something, embarrassed and trying to change the subject.
Is not an expression of modesty. This behavior is rooted in our childhood imagination that other people have the Right to judge our actions. if we, on the other hand, independent and confident in their thoughts, feelings and behavior, we reserve the right to judge their actions. For example, when you make a sincere compliment about clothes, and you feel that it really suits you, you can reply: "Thank you. I also think that it suits me" (Agreement with truth). But if you suspect manipulation, you can answer: "Really? I don't know what's wrong with it so I decorated? "(Positive questions). If you're tormented by mixed feelings about what you say, you can say: "Thank you for the compliment, but I still did(a) not understand(a) whether it is good". You can choose different words, but the basis of your behaviour (in the criticism and the compliments) remains the same: you are the main judge himself.
The negative questions sometimes help in formal communication, but they are most productive when dealing with other people, because: 1) you are to react badly to criticism and can listen to what your loved ones tell you; 2) this is your attitude dampens criticism, so it will not come to a quarrel; 3) your family no longer use the system of "right or wrong" because your behavior directly encourages them to say what they want, and, ultimately, you can come to a mutual agreement or find a compromise.
So, the use of such models of communication, like a Broken record, playing in the fog, a Negative statement and Negative questions, stop manipulating you from other people.
The use of these patterns of behaviour and pursues a different goal, which it would be foolish to forget. With their help we drop your habit to protect yourself or worry when the other tells us what we don't like. The truth is that the critic is not always manipulates you. There are more complex situations. For example, your head will not increase your salaries because you are very productive at work. In this situation, you can also use Negative questions to improve the relationship between you. Their behavior you are saying the following. First, you are motivated to improve their work. Second, you are not afraid of criticism. Third, his criticism in your address it can help you to achieve the desired goal — good work. And in addition, this approach to situations where you are assertive and your confidence allows you to improve relationships (work or personal) between your critic and you.
Interestingly, Anna, without visiting regular classes, were able in the end to use these skills quite well. Given the dialogue was the first in a series of successful dialogues, she said. She was able to become more confident when communicating with people. Like most other students, she changed and became more persistent, less sensitive to criticism, could more easily cope with errors, experience less anxiety about the problems and conflicts with other people and much less likely to show anger and aggression towards loved ones. When I recently asked her to say that she was the most valuable of her experience, she mentioned the positive emotional changes in herself and noted the change in her relationship to herself and to others, the total confidence is based on the ability to recognize manipulation by other people and deal with them.
a Brief description of verbal skills to achieve ' assertiveness
The calm repetition of what you want, again and again. Teaches perseverance, and that you are not required to explain the reasons for their desires. Helps not to be annoyed in advance.
The effect: allows you to feel comfortable, ignoring attempts to manipulate you, the invocation logic. You persistently moving toward a desired goal.
playing IN the FOG
Teaches us to calmly accept criticism, to admit mistakes that are pointed to by the opponent as is possible. Let what you say is true, you still judge yourself.
The effect: allows not to react to criticism concern or a need to defend himself, and thus shows your criticism of the futility of his attempts.
Teach you to find in the interlocutor the information that interests him or seems important.
The effect: allows you to overcome embarrassment in talking with a stranger and to make him talk about himself.
A NEGATIVE STATEMENT
Teaches us to admit our mistakes and guilt (not apologizing for them). You just agreeing with hostile or constructive criticism of their shortcomings.
The effect: allows safer to accept the charges against you (not trying to defend or deny the error) and, at the same time, to reduce the hostility of your criticism.
Stimulate critique in thus you're forcing your opponent to be more assertive and not to use against you their manipulations.
The effect: allows you to quietly find out what your loved one you do not like in order to improve further the relationship.
Teaches himself to admit both the positive and negative sides of his character, behavior, lifestyle. Helps to keep the conversation going and ease of manipulation.
The effect: allows to better reveal themselves and to avoid which you have been informed of the feelings of misunderstanding, anxiety or guilt.
a REASONABLE COMPROMISE
When you feel that this does not affect you, you can offer another person a reasonable compromise You can use it to achieve your goal, if that is your personal feelings won't get hurt. But if in the end it may result in your trouble, a compromise can not be.
Confident, unsure and aggressive behaviour
The goal. Before to learn and practice the skills of confident behaviour, it is necessary to understand the essence of self-confidence. This exercise helped the participants burned psychocorrectional groups to distinguish certainty from uncertainty and aggression.
The required time. 1 hour.
Materials. Not required.
Training. Not required.
The procedure. Each member of the group is invited to demonstrate the uncertain behavioral reaction, aggressive reaction and solid reaction in a hypothetical situation. For example, imagine that your friend "forgot" to return the borrowed money. Aggressive response in this case might be: "Damn! I knew I couldn't trust you! Now give me my money!" Unsure of the reaction can be expressed in these words: "I'm Sorry, I don't want to be Intrusive, but maybe you won't be too delayed with the return of the money?" Finally, confident behavior can include the following sentence: "I thought we agreed you were supposed to pay me back today. I would be very grateful if you can do it no later than Friday".
It is necessary that their behaviors have demonstrated all members of the group, even if each time is enough only for one of three options. To do this, each participant should be offered a situation different from what was previously suggested by others. If when working on these situations to resort to role-playing games, team members can identify themselves with the most confident, insecure, or aggressive people from among their acquaintances. However, they must remember that non-verbal behavior says about a person is not less than his statements, therefore, intonation, gestures and posture should correspond to the depicted reactions. If for this exercise, use the situations which are given below, you can either call volunteers from among the members of the group, or around each in turn. Thus it is necessary that each received feedback from team members, which will evaluate the degree of confidence or aggressive reactions. Absolutely the correct reaction in such cases is not the case, and their discussion can be very informative.
the following are examples of situations for exercises in a confident, unsure and aggressive behaviour, but the leader of the group and its members can think of something else.
The man climbs to you talk, and you're in an awful hurry, and that is to get rid of it, you say …
You ordered at the restaurant the steak rare but it was overcooked. You say to the waiter: …
For car repairs you get a bill for the amount, which is $ 25 higher than the preliminary assessment, You say employee of the Studio…
You catch his glance; an attractive person of the opposite sex and feel that might have interested her (or him) yourself. You come to it (him) and say …
The dog of your neighbor uses your lawn as a latrine. You approach the neighbor and tell him…
Your roommate in the Dorm put you in an awkward position, without your knowledge and invited strangers. You tell him:
You're watching a movie in the theater, and behind you someone is loudly talking. You turn around and say, …
You came to the restaurant, but you are not satisfied with the place you suggested. And you tell the Maitre d',
Your friend (friend) invites you somewhere, but you with it is not very interesting. And you say: …
Your friend asks you to lend him your car, but you do not think it is such a good driver. You tell him:
Your friend puts you in an awkward position, telling all the stories about you, and you tell him: …
the Training of the speaking
The goal. Insecure people frequently lack basic communication skills. This exercise is taken from Kelly (Kelley, 1978), relieves stress, arising when the need to join in the conversation, and allows you to practice communication skills.
The required time. 30 minutes.
Materials. Not required.
Training. No special preparation is required.
The procedure. The group is divided into pairs. In the first phase of work one of the partners asks the other open questions that require detailed answers. (Question: "You live in dorms?" is closed, and the question "Where do you live?" — open.) The one who is responsible, includes in its response any information about yourself — not necessarily of direct relevance to the question posed. For example, if the question "Where do you live?" answer, "hostel", it will not be very informative. Much more information contains the response like this: "I live on campus in one of these new dormitory with me in the living room three". Each partner stays in their role for five minutes. Then they change roles so everyone has the opportunity to practice posing open-ended questions and the ability to answer such questions, reporting thus arbitrarily selectable information.
At the second stage of the exercise, one participant of each pair begins by telling something about yourself or describing some personal experience. The second tries to keep the conversation going or asking for clarification or rephrasing. For example, if the first one says: "last night I specifically walked around campus to see where I was not yet", the second can continue: "You mean that was surprised at how great the campus". After five minutes, participants switch roles.
Between the two phases of work necessary to provide time for participants to exchange experiences and tell each other they had experienced difficulties. As the participants will acquire a growing ability and willingness to self-disclosure, they will master the ability to ask questions, providing more opportunities for responses. The ability to conduct a conversation can be purchased, learning the technique of active listening. Group training abilities
Presented in the previous chapters of this book approaches to work with psychocorrectional groups are aimed at the breaking of the personality, that is, realization of human potential. This orientation distinguishes these groups from the training of skills based more on behaviorisme" behavioral therapy. Group training skills, or development of vital skills, learn adaptive behaviors, actions that serve as a means of meeting the critical needs of life. Work in these groups are more structured than in any of the "written above. The structure and regularity of this work and its conceptual foundations associate it with behavioral therapeutic model.
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